you can't manufacture happy endings for everybody...

EPISODE ONE	......	CAST LIST	......	TRIVIA QUIZ	......	BACKGROUND

Lionel walks into the kitchen announcing that Postman Pat's been there. Jean, who is drying the dishes, wonders if Pat was in a big red van, but Lionel tells her that he came in a soppy trolley with big wheels. He carries with him a handful of what he thinks is junk mail and he is annoyed that they are forced every morning to wade through it all. Jean looks at the mail and tells him that it really is not a big deal and there might actually be something of interest in it -- something, in fact, piquant. She pulls out a flyer to make her point and asks Lionel if he's interested in a stair lift. He is not at all interested. She points out that they come in a choice of three colors -- she sees him in maroon. He is not persuaded. She points out that it was a good thing she looked at the mail because, in his haste, Lionel threw out a postcard from America. It is from Lillian Stevens, a woman they met while they were in Los Angeles. Lionel pretends he knows who she is, but he is obiously struggling to remember -- she was tall, with long black hair and tight leather trousers. Jean says no on all three counts. Lionel is puzzled -- "Well somebody did. Jean is sure that, indeed, somebody fit that description. "Anyhow," she tells him, "Lillian -- the real Lillian --sends you her love."

Mercifully, the doorbell rings and Jean hurries to answer it but not before adding that Lillian also mentioned that if he was thinking of a stair lift, Lionel should get one in maroon.

Jean opens the door and is surprised to see Harry and asks him where he's been hiding, a question which she finds odd to be asking of a policeman. He tells her that he's been quite busy studying for his sergeant's exams. She responds somewhat inappropriately by telling him that Sandy is very well. He asks if Sandy is at home and she tells him that she went out with Judith. He turns to go and Jean invites him in, saying that Lionel would like to see him. He is surprised by that and wonders why, but Jean tells him that it is nothing specific. On the way to the kitchen Jean asks him how his exams went and Harry tells her that he passed and is now a detective sergeant CID. Jean tells him that Sandy will be "ever so proud."

Harry walks into the kitchen and has to be reminded again to stop calling Lionel "sir." Harry apologizes yet again. He notices the flyer for the stair lift and asks Lionel if he is thinking about buying one. Jean points out that Harry is officially in plain clothes and has made detective sergeant. "He's come to see Sandy," she adds. He tells her that Sandy isn't home and Jean says that she knows that but Harry couldn't be expected to know that. "He is a detective," Lionel dryly tells her. She rolls her eyes and asks Harry to sit down.

Jean offers Harry some coffee and he declines, but Lionel says he wouldn't mind another one. She glares at him and then turns to Harry and says that Sandy should be back very soon. Lionel laughs and says that Sandy and Judith are shopping -- it could be hours, days even before they get back. Jean expects that Harry will be wanting to tell her the news. Yes, he tells her, but it isn't just the promotion -- there is some other news. He says he's at a crossroads, "do you, don't you?" Jean smiles, probably thinking he really misses Sandy, excited at the thought, wondering what he wants to ask her. Lionel repeats that he would like some coffee and holds his cup up towards Jean, but she just looks at it and then turns towards Harry again.

Lionels gets up to make his own coffee and tells Jean they are running low on sugar. Jean continues her conversation with Harry. She supposes he would like to talk things over. Jean tells him that they are there for him because they like him and Harry responds by saying that it is Sandy who should be the first to know. Jean gets up, frustrated and unable to encourage Harry to confide in them. She sidles up to Lionel at the coffee pot. Harry's back is towards them and Jean points her head towards Harry and mouths the words "say something" to Lionel. Lionel thinks, turns and asks "How's the rugby going, Harry?" Jean says "oh" as though someone kicked her in the stomach, and once again she rolls her eyes. The scene fades into the next, one in which Jean and Lionel are in the living room.

How's the rugby going? Jean still can't forget the question Lionel chose to ask. Lionel explains that it is Sandy that Harry wants to talk with. She doesn't like his attitude. Lionel is what he is -- a non-interventionist. Jean straightens him out by saying that she is not an interventionist -- she just wants to know what is going on. He reminds her that the only concrete fact that they have is that Harry has moved to outside center this rugby season and somehow he suspects that that is not what Harry was so anxious to tell her. . They hear the front door open and Sandy walks in with several shopping bags. Jean is quick to tell her that Harry "called round." Sandy is surprised because she has not heard from Harry in ages. Jean explains that he really wanted to tell her something and that whatever it is -- Lionel stresses that they didn't ask, which draws a nasty look from Jean -- is very important. She wonders why, if it was that important he chose to leave. Jean says he probably had something to do. Sandy sarcastically suggests it might have been a soccer match. Jean is horrified at the rugby mention and insists that Harry never mentioned it. Lionel, trying to help, says that it is Saturday. Jean tries to change the subject. "He is probably trying to "detect something." Jean explains that Harry is now a detective sergeant. Sandy looks impressed. Jean tells her that still, he wanted to see her desperately. Sandy questions the word and asked whether or not Harry actually used it. Jean says it was suggested by the look on his face and asks Lionel to confirm, but Lionel answers that he's never been good with faces, "but he does want to see you."

"Desperately," Jean adds.

Meanwhile Judith is in her room struggling to hear Alistair through the static on her phone. He is calling from Bolivia, and she can't quite make out what he is saying because he keeps on "breaking up." He tells her that he is "regrouping." There is a knock on the door and Sandy is told to come in. She says she didn't mean to interrupt, but Judith waves her off to indicate it is okay. A frustrated Judith exchages hasta la vistas with Alistair and hangs up. She tells Sandy that he's in Bolivia regrouping. Neither really knows what that means. Sandy suggests he might be getting his act together, but Judith supposes that he is "making money." Sandy says that she makes it sound like gun running. Judith just wishes he would stop because it's like having a relationship with a jumping bean. Sandy closes the door and turns serious, telling Judy that Harry called round while they were out. "Do you miss him?" Judith asks. Sandy pensively admits that sometimes she does. She misses his being kind, his being hardly ever finding the right word for what he wants to say, and the times when they didn't need words at all. She thinks about it and says that sometimes she thinks of him packing his rugby kit and disappearing and then she doesn't miss him one bit. She sighs.

Lionel and Jean are in bed later that night. Lionel is looking through an Atlas and asks Jean if she realizes that the capital of Bolivia is Laz Paz and Sucre. NOTE: La Paz is the administrative capital, while Sucre is the Judicial capital. "Of course," she tells him. The second official language, he informs her, is Quechua. She informs him that "everyone knows that." . He says that he supposes she speaks it. "Fluently," she tells him. She wonders whether this sudden interest in Bolivia has something to do with Alistair's being there. He's says you like to know these things. She replies by saying that what she really wants to know is what Harry wants to tell Sandy. Lionel speculates that he wants to tell her about his new promotion. Jean knows sit can't be just that because he already told them about it. Lionel agrees it can't be that, then. "What if he wants to marry her?" Jean asks. Lionel is pretty sure it isn't that either -- that isn't "news." A proposal of marriage is not something you just announce to someone. Not unless you are on firm ground, which they're not. The doorbell rings which annoys Lionel because of the lateness of the hour and causes him to wonder whether they are the only people who go to bed in the UK. Jean thinks it's Harry, but Lionel doesn't understand how she knows that. She tells him that detectives keep strange hours and says that she is going to wake Sandy, but Lionel wants to just make sure first.

The bell continues to ring and Jean cautions Lionel to look first before opening it. She peers through the mail slot and jumps back. Lionel asks what she saw, and she announces that what she saw were "eyes." Lionel opens the door and is surprised to see Alistair. Both of them insist that he is in Bolivia. He says that he hates to argue with "major league" people, but he is not, in fact, in Bolivia -- he is in London. Lionel tells him he's glad that's sorted out and closes the front door in his face. Jean opens it again and he walks right in, much to Lionel's annoyance because of the time. Alistair is out of synch with time, he says -- he's either 8 hours behind or 14 in front. He doesn't remember. Jean directs him towards the living room asks if she can fix him something to eat and he tells her he's already eaten, although he doesn't remember in which city. Lionel leaves the room to make some tea.

He sighs and thinks how grand it all is, being back in his birthplace with 2 of his favorite people. Sandy walks in and wonders what's going on and he revises his number to 3 of his favorite people. She is surprised to see him -- she thought he was in Bolivia. He offers to explain it to her, but she says "on the whole, Alistair, no thank you." She starts to leave and he asks if Judy is awake. "Not if she's got any sense, no," is her answer. You can see Judith walking down the stairs, yawning. Sandy and Judy meet in the hallway and Judy ask what's going on. "Him" Sandy points to the living room, says goodnight and goes back upstairs.

Alistair greets Judith with a "hey hey" and tells her she looks "a million dollars." She is in baggy pajamas and a frumpy robe and really doesn't think much of her looks at the moment. She tells him he was in Bolivia. He stresses the was and tells her he needs a better, more up-to-date mobile phone. Lionel walks in with a tray of three teas. One by one, they are taken from the tray until he is left with nothing. He appears to be stunned. "Where was I?" Alistair asks. He remembers he was in "Bolivia." He thinks he'll go back to bed. Jean wants him to stay. Alistair begins to explain. He's back on top, he tells them. He's a "player" again. Lionel doesn't know what he means. Jean says it is obvious. Judith finishes the thought: "money," she says. He was really down, he says. "To your last million," Judith says sarcastically. He agree that that is exactly what was, but -- and he tells Jean and Lionel not to leave (as though that was a consideration for them) because he wants them to hear this, too -- he is now ready for the magic moment -- "the big M." They look startled and he makes it clearer. "To Judy," he says. They both turn towards her and she tries to summarize. "You're ready for marriage because you're back up there -- because you're a player again." He tells her she's got it right. "Wrong," she corrects him. The smile disappears from his face. Judith leaves the room and Lionel appears to be thrilled that there is an extra cup of coffee.

Later that evening Judith lies in bed awake. There is a knock on the door and Judith doesn't want company and says she's asleep, but Jean walks in -- saying that she used to say that when she was a little girl -- and sits down on the bed. Judith observes that she's really matured since then. Jean assures her daughter that all this travelling, these weird people -- Alistair is doing it for her. Judy knows this, but she says she doesn't want him to. She tells her mother that if she gets married again, she wants it to be to someone who's there. She doesn't always want to communicate by mobile phone with her husband at a distance. And she adds that she knows these latest trips have nothing to do with publishing. When he was down -- well, his version of down -- he was like a real person. That's the person she would have married had he asked her. Jean tells Judy she's proud of her. Judy asks why and is told that it is a rare woman that wants her fella to make less money. Judith says he may be her "ex-fella" since Alistair is not noted for his attention span. Jean kisses her daughter goodnight and starts to leave. Judith asks her not to wake Lionel, but Jean tells her that -- bless his cotton socks, he's got this thing about always staying awake until she is in bed too. Jean walks into the bedroom talking about being worried about both girls, when her words are interrupted by the loud sound of Lionel's snoring.

It is another day and Lionel walks towards his home with several books in his hand. He is surprised to see a police car parked in front of the house. Jean tells the officers goodbye and they walk down the stairs, get into the car and drive away. Lionel stares for a brief moment and then heads towards the house.

He opens the door and calls for Jean, but does not immediately see her. Jean sticks her head out of the under-stairs cupboard and is obviously on the alert. She has a handful of items she is sorting in the cupboard. She asks Lionel why he is back so soon because he said he'd be gone longer than that. He wonders why the police were there and she tells them she asked them to come round because she wanted to report the existence of a prowler. She goes back into the cupboard. Lionel is surprised because she hadn't said anything to him about a prowler. He asks her to come out of the cupboard. He points out that whenever she is under any stress she messes about under the stairs. She denies that's what she's doing. Instead she's "rationalizing" the cupboard. NOTE: I found this definition for rationalizing: (chiefly British) To bring modern, efficient methods to -- so I guess it means she was organizing the cupboard-. And then, although he hates to suggest it, he accuses her of inventing a prowler in order to get the police there -- in the hopes that they would be represented by Harry. She looks horrified by the thought of her doing such a thing -- and then, she simply looks busted. "You think you're very clever sometimes, don't you?" She goes back into the cupboard. He tells her that he is "not given to fits of temporary insanity," and then he closes the cupboard door with her inside it. She stares at the closed door.

Lionel walks into the kitchen followed by Jean, who informs him that that was a very dangerous thing to do -- he could lock someone in the cupboard and they could suffocate. He tells her he wanted to make some scrambled eggs to go along with her scrambled brains. She insists it was a spur of the moment thing because she didn't have Harry's phone number at home and thought she'd phone him at the station, but then she couldn't really say hello, what do you want to ask Sandy? Lionel wants to know if she asked for Harry by name. She tells him she mentioned it was a job for a detective sergeant. The telephone rings and Jean is happy to hear Harry's voice. Apparently he called to ask for a more precise description of the prowler. Lionel is horrified to hear that she gave the police a description of this non-existent prowler. She assures him that it was very vague. The front door opens and Sandy walks in.

She appears to be out of breath and says that she just came home to change and is on the way out. She had a business meeting about which she forgot about and was wearing casual clothes which "won't do." She starts to run off, but Jean stops her and says that she has just been talking to Harry on the phone. Sandy is surprised. "He sends his love," Jean tells her. He says how much he misses Sandy and that he'll be in touch soon but he's been very busy. "You've just been talking to him?" Sandy asks. Jean assures her they just moments ago spoke on the phone. Sandy wonders why he'd say all that and Jean assures her that Harry is very fond of her. Sandy tells her that Harry phoned her at work an hour before and that they are going out see each other that night. Once again Jean is busted and once again, Lionel rolls his eyes. Sandy, who probably knows already, wants to know what's going on. Jean looks cornered.

The scene shifts to a bar where Alistair is having a chat with a barman. He asks the barman to imagine he's a woman and he wants to ask him some questions, but the barman -- somewhat the method actor -- insists on having a description of himself so he can better get into the role. After Alistair goes on about how attractive Judith is and how he wants her to marry him, the barman appears to fancy himself. Alistair tries to move on, but the barman wants to know if this is their first date. He is assured it is not. Alistair tells him that he has practically circumnavigated the globe to get everything right -- to make sure she has everything she could want -- he wants to know if she would accept his proposal of marriage. The barman says yes. He asks if it is because it shows that he cares. The barman tells him "I might be pretty, but there is no guarantee I'll keep my looks forever."

The telephone rings and it is Jean. He tells her that he is in a set-'em-up-Joe kind of a mood, but Jean doesn't get the reference. "Sinatra," Alistair tells her. The barman starts to sing. One for my baby... Jean tells Alistair to tell the barman that he has a lovely voice. He does and the man smiles -- "to go with the dimples..." he says. Alistair tells him it is "her mother" and the man appears to be disappointed.

Lionel is walking down the hallway when he hears a voice coming from the cupboard under the stairs. He backs up, opens the door and sees Jean talking on the cordless phone. She is talking about having to "convince her" and it is, apparently the other end of the conversation she has been having with Alistair. When Lionel opens the door, she doesn't notice him at first -- she was just saying she has to go and hangs up the phone, but she jumps back a bit, startled by his presence. "Old Mother Hubbard, I presume?" he says sarcastically. She tells him that she is "just making a phone call." He asks why she doesn't just let people just sort things out for themselves. She assures him that they just can't and adds that people make phone calls from all sorts of places these days. The doorbell rings and it's Harry. She lets him in and says she will go give Sandy a shout. Lionels asks if they are making any progress on the case of the prowler, which stops Jean in her tracks on the staircase. He tells Lionel there is really not that much to go on. Jean tells Harry to sit down in the living room while she continues to shout for Sandy. When Harry walks into the other room, Jean glares at Lionel and says "Thank you for that." He tells her that he was just being civic-minded.

Sandy walks downstairs and Jean tells her that Harry is there. She had guessed that. Jean asks if that's what she's wearing -- she is wearing a pair of jeans and a low cut top. "But Harry's here," Jean says futilely. Sandy walks into the living room and the door is closed. This, of course is very frustrating to Jean, who leans againts the secondary door in order to better hear what's going on inside. Lionel coughs and she reluctantly follows him into the kitchen.

Sandy takes one look at Harry, who would probably be considered overdressed for the occasion. She thinks she should have worn something else and Harry insists that she looks great now and always did. She asks him "How's the rugby?" and he begins to tell her about his new position, but suddenly he realizes by the look on her face that she really wasn't interested in the answer. "You never did like rugby did you?" was his somewhat rhetorical question. Her answer: "Not really, no."

She tells Harry that Jean told her that he had some news. He says that he is going to Canada. Sandy thinks that's "nice" and wonders if he is going on a vacation, but he says he has been offered position for a year with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP). (He doesn't think he'll get a horse.) After an awkward moment during which they look like teenagers, he tells Sandy that he wanted to tell her about it because he didn't want to "just disappear." Sandy looks a bit shaken, then recovers and suggests they go and get that drink. It'll be sort of a "farewell drink." He suggested it doesn't have to be a farewell drink and Sandy nervously wonders what he means by that. He tells her he won't be going for a couple of weeks. She is obviously disappointed by his reply. She opens the door only to have Jean nearly fall in on her. Busted again, and this time she is conveniently holding an apple which she tries to offer to Harry. He doesn't want it. They tell Jean they are leaving to go out for a drink. "Celebration?" she asks. Sandy tells her that yes, it is sort of a celebration -- Harry is going on attachment to Canada for a year. Jean was hoping there was more -- but Sandy assures her that is it.

Sandy and Harry leave Jean standing in the hallway. Lionel approaches and accuses Jean of "turning transparency into an art form." They walk into the living room as Jean explains what Harry's news turned out to be. He wonders whether or not Harry will have to wear one of those silly hats. Jean wonders if that's all Lionel could say about the situation. While Lionel fixes drinks Jean continues to go on. She tells him that Harry did not ask Sandy to go with him. "Wouldn't you?" she asks him. Lionel doesn't think the Mounties would want him. She says IF, IF. He admits that IF he were young and single and hadn't met Jean, he would gallop up on his horse in his red coat and silly scout's hat, throw Sandy across his pommel and gallop off. "Well, there you are....," she says until she realizes she doesn't know what a pommel is, exactly. He explains that it is part of a saddle and that women get thrown across them in all the best books. She informs him that his reading leaves a lot to be desired. She thinks, though, that Harry should be doing more than he is. Lionel cautions her that she cannot manufacture happy endings. She wonders why not. She and Lionel have their happy ending. She wonders what about Sandy and Judy.

"What about Judy?" Judy asks as she walks into the middle of their conversation. Judy tries to divert her by asking Judy if she would like an apple. The answer is still no, and Judy persists. "What about Judy?" she repeats the question. Lionel tells her that her mother wants happy endings. "Don't we all?" she asks. She changes the subject and asks what was Harry's news. They tell her that he's going to Canada alone, although Lionel thinks he should ride up, throw Sandy across his pommel and -- Judy asks what that is and Jean is ready with the answer this time. Lionel grins. Judith observes that that is not exactly Harry's style. Lionel thinks back and remembers that Alistair turned up on a horse one time. Judy breaks into a smile -- "so he did," she recalls. He was wearing a suit of armor and he squeaked. The doorbell rings and Jean is sure that Harry and Sandy had a row. Lionel points out that Sandy has a key to the door. It turns out to be Alistair and Jean reaches over towards Judith and asks her not to run off. Judith has no intention of leaving.

Alistair bursts into the living room and announces that he is in a mood to blow some minds. His mobile phone rings a silly tune and he pulls it from his pocket. Judy tells him that his mobile is ringing and he places it on the floor and steps on it. "That's just an example," he tells her. Alistair asks them all to go into the garden, but the only one willing to do it is Jean, who doesn't want to spoil anything. Judith tells him if he has something to say, he should say it right there in the loving room. "Whatever," he tells her. He looks at Lionel and tells him that he shall need a bin and some matches. Lionel keeps asking why and Jean tells him that it is all very exciting and wants him to go get whatever Alistair wants. She turns to Judith and says it is exciting, isn't it, but Judy wants to reserve judgment. The phone starts playing it's tune again and Judy sarcastically says "Oh, it's still alive." Alistair steps on it again and the sounds sort of fizzles out. Lionel comes back with the items Alistair wanted and wonders if Alistair is going to perform a trick of some kind. Alistair, very matter of fact, says to Judy that he wants to marry her. He knows she said no the last time, but that was in "another age." She reminds him that it was only four days earlier. Jean looks thrilled. Lionel explains that he's had it wrong for a long time. When he was almost broke Judy always found time to like him. She tells him that of course she did. He says that he couldn't quite believe it, because he never thought he was worth very much as a person -- he always thought he was worth whatever he was worth and he asks if what he is saying is making any sense. Lionel feels that he and Jean are intruding and wants to leave, but Jean wants to stay. Alistair continues: he has been chasing the big bucks for Judith and he finally realizes that she doesn't want them. He only hopes that she still wants the "stupid, four-eyed twit" who has been chasing them because he loves her. He looks at Lionel. "Bin please, Lionel." Lionel hands him the bin. "Matches please, Lionel." Lionel hands him the matches. Lionel asks if this is the conjuring trick. Alistair hopes so. He grabs some papers and tosses them one by one into the bin. "Bolivia, Athens, Glasgow, Monaco," he says. "These are the contracts that will help set up SuperDeac dot com which will make the big bucks ...but -- he tells Judy -- if she doesn't want them, neither does he. All he wants is that she should marry him. Judith jumps up from the chair in which she is sitting and hugs him. He says he will take that as a yes. "Yes," she says. "Yessss," Jean cups her hands together and echoes Judith. Alistair lights a match and lowers it into the bin as slowly as is humanly possible. Judy bends down and blows out the match saying that they don't want to throw money away just for the sake of it.

Jean is putting things back into the cupboard as Lionel announces that the coffee is ready. He knew she'd wind up putting everything back inside. Lionel asks her what happened to the rationization, but Jean says she doesn't have to do it now that Judy is getting married. Alistair leaves the living room, saying he will bring the car around. He says hasta la vista to his new "Mom-and-Pop-in-law." Lionel doesn't appear to like that very much. Alistair walks out the door and Judy joins Jean and Lionel in the hallway. She tells them that she and Alistair are going out to eat. They hug. Jean's very happy and so is Lionel, except. He stops short of telling her why, but Judy wants to know. Jean tries to make nothing of it, saying that Lionel didn't mean "except" at all. Lionel says that he did have reservations. He worries that Alistair's "grand gesture" with the contracts was faked. A small voice in his brain kept asking whether they were real contracts or just pieces of paper. Jean is bothered by Lionel's honesty, but Judith says that she heard the same little voice inside her own head. She couldn't bring herself to get down and spoil the moment by reading them. And, she says, it doesn't matter anyway because somewhere in all that the real Alistair said the right thing. She leaves the house.

Jean tells Lionel that she found some photos of them in Los Angeles. He asks if she means the time when they "stormed American television." "Look," she says. He doesn't want to relive that experience. She found a picture of Lillian Stevens, the woman they met in Los Angeles who sent them the postcard the other day -- the one who Lionel described as tall, black-haired, with leather trousers. Lionel takes a look and announces that that's not the woman he meant. "Obviously," Jean tells him. He observes that it's funny how the mind plays tricks. He could have sworn that he was describing Lillian Stevens. Jean does a double-take and asks "Who were you describing?" He looks up at her and asks if she wants coffee and starts to walk out of the room. She insists on getting her answer:

"Lionel, Lionel," she calls after him as he leaves.

Continue to Episode 2
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