Mrs. Bale is leaving the grocery store. She asks the man who is carrying her box of groceries if he put her eggs on the top. He tells her that he did and if she brings back any cracked eggs it won't be his fault -- it will be the fault of "that thing" and he gestures towards her motorcycle. She tells him that "that thing" has not had one mechanical failure since the year 1959. He says that he's not talking about the condition of the engine -- he's talking about the way she drives. 
She has never driven straight over the island at a roundabout, she says. He asks her when she'll be coming out with him. "When the moon turns to cheese," is her answer. He asks her if she's expecting visitors this weekend. She says he's very perceptive. He asks if she's expecting the young Mr. and Mrs. Hardcastle. She drives off in a puff of smoke. He says to no-one in particular that he bets it will be Jean and Lionel and "we'll be ready for 'em."
Judith is making toast. Sandy and Jean are at the kitchen table. Jean tells Judith that they should come down to the country with them, but Judith isn't ready now and she says that they'll come down later as they had arranged. Jean tries to tell her it won't take long to get ready but she's not the best example. Lionel has been waiting for her to leave. He pops his head into the kitchen and reminds her that she said she'd only be a minute. Jean tells him that she was trying to persuade the girls to go with them now. He says it's a bad idea. He has the car so jam-packed that you couldn't even fit a teaspoon in there. He doesn't know where all the odds and ends keep coming from that get packed into the car -- nothing seems to be disappearing from the house. She tells him that she has a secret cellar. 
Lionel starts to pour himself some coffee and she says that she's ready to leave. He walks out of the kitchen. The girls insist that they can't go now because they aren't ready and they don't fancy travelling on the roof rack. They want to be sure it is okay for them to come and spend the weekend. Jean says that she wouldn't have asked them to come if it wasn't okay. They want to make sure Lionel knows about it. Jean says that he said it was fine for them to come. Sandy tells her that there are "ways" of saying that it's fine. Lionel walks back into the kitchen and is annoyed because Jean hasn't even stood up yet. Jean asks if when she told him she invited Alistair, Sandy and Judith for the weekend he said "fine!" or "fine." He tells her that he said "if you want." Judith tells him he knows how to make a girl feel wanted. He resolves the issue by assuring her that as a matter of fact they'll all be very welcome because Lionel and Jean haven't got many friends down there now. Jean says that they've only antagonized half the village. He asks Jean if they are ready to go now. She thinks she'll just have another cup of coffee before they leave.
Jean and Lionel are on the road to Hampshire, singing along to their car radio. Along the road there is a man in a tractor waiting for them to appear. When he sees them, he broadcasts this over his walkie-talkie or shortwave and there is a flurry of activity in town. Everyone is spreading the word that they are on the way. As the Hardcastles pull into town they see a huge crowd stretching across the street and blocking their access. 
They have no idea what's going on, but they have no choice but to stop the car. Lionel hopes it's not a lynch mob. The entire group starts walking towards their car. Lionel says that he's not driving backwards all the way out of town. He tells her to keep calm and try to avoid eye contact. They start to drive through and the people gather around their car, smiling towards them. This is most definitely not a lynch mob.
"Well, we may have antagonized half the village, but we're well in with the other half," says Jean as she walks into a kitchen overflowing with goodies and gift baskets and bottles of wine. He thinks she waved very regally as they drove away. She says she's never been showered with gifts. He might want to have some of the cider, but she thinks he'd better not or he'll be flat on his back for the entire weekend. Mrs. Bale enters and says that someone's left a firkin on the doorstep. They have no idea what's going on and they ask Mrs. Bale to explain. Jean doesn't know if that's good or bad, but Lionel explains that it's good -- it's a barrel of ale. She explains that the other week at the barbeque when they put those parvenus in their place, the word got out and it went down really well with the rest of the village. They're just showing their appreciation. Lionel tells her that they just spoke their minds. Mrs. Bale tells them that word has it that Mrs. Hardcastle threatened to set the dogs on them. Jean reminds her that they have no dogs so it was rather an empty threat. 
And what about Mr. Hardcastle, throwing someone over the hedge? Lionel tells her that he did no such thing. Jean says she just suggested that he might do that if he were sufficiently enraged. According to the butcher, says Mrs. Bale, Lionel threw two people over the hedge. Word has it that Jean put out their barbeque with a fire extinguisher. She did no such thing, she says. Lionel wants to know who started all these rumors -- he wants to know if it was Mrs. Bale herself. "I refute that allegation with every fibre of my being," she tells him. He asks her who, then. She looks like she knows something, but says she's leaving to pick some herbs.
Jean thinks there is something weird about this place. They leave London as sane and reasonable people and a short time later they are Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. They wonder who started all these rumors. Whoever it is, suggests Lionel, has a warped sense of humor and no regard for the truth whatsoever. The strains of "Dixie" are heard in the background. They laugh. Suddenly it all fits.
Rocky and Madge are having a good time laughing about all this. Jean tells them that the two of them ought to be ashamed of themselves. Lionel says that they are old enough to know better. 
Madge tells them that if they ever think that they are old enough to know better they should have themselves put down. Jean thinks that that makes some sense. They tell them that they did not personally spread all these stories, but they didn't discourage anyone from believing them. It does no harm to be held in a little esteem, Rocky tells Lionel. Jean sees that it got out of hand and she wonders how to put everything back to normal. Madge tells her that Lionel is now known as the People's Champion. He says he'd like to leave that to Nigel Benn. Rocky tells him that that man is as nutty as a fruitcake, he was talking about forming a people's militia to guard the factories a few years ago. Rocky is mixing up his Benns -- he's thinking of Tony Benn, but Lionel is talking about Nigel Benn, the boxer. All they ever wanted was a quiet life. Then they got drawn into that country set. "Yahoos," says Rocky. Yes, she agrees and when they found that out they told them what they thought of them. That's all they did. They didn't throw anyone over hedges or go berserk with a fire extinguisher. They wonder why Rocky and Madge didn't set the people straight. Apparently the people prefer the juicier version. Rocky tells them to think of all the new friends they've made -- sometimes it takes years of living in the village to do that. Jean begins to see their point. Mrs. Bale walks in with a weather report and announces that she's lying about it. Jean asks why she would do that. She's already been called an inveterate liar once today. Lionel just thought she might have started those rumors, he explains. They are contrite, Jean tells her. She accepts their apology and says that she is now telling the truth when she says that the young people have arrived.
Alistair, Sandy and Judith arrive with a piglet in a cage. Big Tom asked that they deliver it. The girls are oohing and aahing over this cute little piglet and Judith suggests that Lionel build a little house for it in the garden. Sandy tells her that it's very tiny. Jean wants to know whatever happened to elementary biology. It'll grow, she says. "Tell them about keeping a pig, Rocky."
Rocky says they should be practical. If they fatten it up, it can fill their freezer one day. The women look horrified. "It's what happens to pigs," he tells them. Jean says that they can't do that -- "we've met him now." Madge assures her it isn't a social thing. Mrs. Bale announces she will be serving lunch in 58 and a half minutes. She sees the pig and walks towards it tentatively. Jean asks if she will look after the pig for them. "In a word, no," she says. She gladly embraces a wide range of duties, but tending livestock is not one of them. Rocky says that they would have the pig at their cottage, but they're away so much of the time. "You can hardly expect a pig to self-cater," Madge tells them. Jean assures Judith that she'll think of something.
Jean and Lionel bring the pig to Lol's house. 
They tell him that they can't raise a pig -- they can hardly take him for walks in the park and they must be practical. They hope Big Tom won't be offended. Lol tells them that having a gift rejected could make Big Tom sick for days. Jean tells Lol that they're really not rejecting the gift -- they just want someone to look after him. They'll sponsor the pig, of course. They mention that the girls would really like to visit the pig from time to time. He says he'll keep the pig. He has an orchard in the back and he'll keep him there -- he'll be as happy as a pig in... "...an orchard," Lionel finishes the sentence before Lol has a chance to. Just one more thing, Jean says -- they don't want the pig turned into bacon or sausages, but they want to keep him as a pet. 
Although he's sure that once word gets round that he's keeping a pig as a pet, there will be a lot of snickering going on, he'll do it. Jean knows it isn't the country way. She knows they're "townies." No, says Lol -- the townies they don't like are the ones that come down there claiming that they like the country life and then do their damned silly best to spoil it. Just like that lot that they sorted out. Lionel insists that they just had a row. Lol says that no matter what happened those people have kept a low profile ever since. That suits everyone. Look around you, he says -- there's not much wrong with it. No there isn't, they think.
"It had to be pork for lunch," Jean observes. Sandy says that she just kept pushing hers round and round the plate. Lionel points out that the pig is just fine -- Lol's mother will probably knit him a little sweater for the winter. Alistair is following Rocky around because he has something to say to him, but Rocky and Madge have to leave. They have tandem time trials. Jean thinks it probably won't be very fast -- the timekeeper will probably use a grandfather clock. Rocky tells him that they'll all get together that night at the pub. Lionel wonders before committing, if this is Country and Western night. They leave. Sandy thinks she'll slip into a bikini and catch some sun. 
Judith wants to join her. Alistair says he'd rather she didn't do that. Jean wonders if he's sick -- she assumed he'd be out there with three towels by now. He wants everyone to hear his idea first. He says that Lionel mentioned to him that he thought the house was a white elephant. Sandy thinks this is none of her business and she gets up to leave, but Lionel tells her that she's already met their mad relatives and hasn't flinched -- she's part of the family now and he wants her to stay. "Gee Daddy," she says. "Almost part of the family," he revises his statement. Judith asks if she can call Lionel "daddy." He'd sooner she didn't. Jean wants them to get Alistair's idea over with. He looks offended. She revises it: "Listened to." The problem is that the house is unoccupied 80 per cent of the time. It should be earning money. Jean says that if Alistair is thinking of turning it into a hotel, Lionel's already thought of it. The girls giggle at the idea of Lionel's running a hotel. Now it is Lionel who is offended. He assures them he rejected the idea. No, Alistair wasn't thinking of a hotel. His idea is that it be turned into a .... conference center. He tells them that there are corporate people out there who would give up their Rolexes for a spot like this one -- corporate centers are in. Yes, they all agree that there are now conferences about having conferences. Sandy, apparently forgetting who she's with says, "the best our office can manage is a spritzer at the local wine bar." Jean reminds Sandy that although she's now a member of the family she is not irreplaceable. Alistair notices that Lionel has turned very quiet. Lionel doesn't want people trampling all over the place. Jean wonders what this would entail. It'll require an attentive staff presided over by someone who is "Mr. Charm personified." Lionel tells him that he wouldn't want to be involved in running the place. Alistair tells him gently that he didn't actually have Lionel in mind. Jean tells him that Lionel can be very charming when he wants to be. Judith points out that he's never tried it on a professional basis. Lionel doesn't intend to start, either -- he doesn't want to go around beaming at people all day. Alistair says that he will headhunt a face from somewhere. Lionel doesn't fancy having a conference, however executive it is, going on while they're there. Alistair explains that the conference dates will be booked around the dates when Lionel is at the house. They explain that they must discuss the idea with Rocky and Madge. They decided they must speak with them when Lionel was flirting with the idea of becoming a latter day Basil Fawlty. Well, that's why Alistair wanted Rocky and Madge to stay so that they could be included in this discussion. He understands that they have to be consulted and they can talk about it at the pub that night. Alistair wants to know if there's any other "frowns" he has to iron out. At that moment Mrs. Bale walks in and announces that it will be six and a half minutes until coffee is served. "Mrs. Bale," they all whisper at once.
Mrs. Bale wonders why they're all looking at her. 
Jean says if (and it's a big if) they used the house as a conference center during the week, would Mrs. Bale be prepared to stay on as housekeeper. She would, provided that there were no shenanigans in the rooms it might prove to be quite exhilirating. She leaves, surprising them by her response. Judith wonders what she means by "exhilirating." Alistair glances after Mrs. Bale and says that they'd have to "jazz her up" a little bit. Jean says that if he tries to do that he values his life very cheaply. She wonders what Mrs. Bale means by "shenanigans." Alistair asks Lionel if they are in orbit on this one. Maybe not in orbit, Lionel tells him, but it is certainly worth thinking about. Now that that's done, Alistair tells the girls they can go outside in their bikinis. Sandy tells him that it's too late -- the sun's gone in. "The sacrifices I make for this family," says Alistair.
Judith and Alistair are walking in the garden. She points out to him that he does make a lot of sacrifices for their family.
"It was just a joke," Alistair tells her. Yes, but whenever they need him he always pops up like a guardian angel. He says that they are like the family he never had. She tells him that he's not a very convincing orphan. He really likes the family -- Lionel and Jean and... She points out that he was crazy for Jean in the beginning -- even sent her a gorillagram. Yes, but it didn't work because Jean made him take his head off. "You," he says to her. She tells him she doesn't want a gorillagram. You are the reason, he tells her. She says that their history together doesn't really back that up. He tells her that he'd like to sneak off with her that evening for a quiet meal. She thinks she'd like that. He says that it's always been her. She looks behind him and says that Sandy did put her bikini on after all. He turns and looks and sees only empty deck chairs. She grins. "Reflex action," he explains. She smiles again. He repeats that it was only a reflex action.
Mrs. Bale walks into the kitchen and sees Sandy fixing herself a drink. "You should have called me," she tells her. Sandy says that she couldn't find her. "In that case we'll overlook the matter." Mrs. Bale hands Sandy a note that Lol's brother, Ernie, has given her to give to Sandy. It reads as follows:
Dear Miss,
Please do take this amiss, miss. But the pleasure of your company would be greatly esteemed at the Stag and Huntsman this evening. Assuring you of our best intentions at all times, your obedient servant, sorry, servants
Lol, Tom, Ernie, Willie, Harry, Jack and Dennis Farris
Mrs. Bale tells her that she should be very flattered. Sandy says she's never been asked out by seven blokes before and Mrs. Bale figures she won't be again, either. She wonders if she should respond to all of them, or just to one. Mrs. Bale thinks that calling Lol will do. Mrs. Bale warns Sandy that the drink tends to flow very freely at the Stag and Huntsman. She suggests that Sandy have a large helping of mashed potatoes before she goes.
They're all at the pub. 
The landlord brings a trayful of drinks to the table at which Lionel and Jean and Rocky and Madge are sitting -- "compliments of the Ferris boys," who won't take no for an answer. They look at Sandy sitting at a table with all the brothers and Madge says that although they may look rough they are not. Jean wonders if their mother was a big woman. No, says Madge -- in fact she was a little thing, but capable of giving them a good clip round the ear. Lionel wants to keep the conversation on track -- they were talking about the conference center. Lionel noticed that Rocky changed the subject and he's afraid that Rocky isn't taking the idea very seriously. Madge tells them that Rocky gave them the house and they are not required to ask them for permission every time they want to hang a picture. Jean tells them that this is very different from hanging a picture -- it's a major decision. "Which you've made," says Rocky. Lionel tells them that they haven't made the decision yet -- but "as good as" made. Rocky thinks they should get on with the business of enjoying themselves. They ask about the time trials.
Turns out the trials were a bit of a disaster. They came in 45th out of 45 entrants. Jean tells them that they are a bit above average age. Yes, but they expected to come in at least a couple of places higher. Problem was the hedgehog. Jean wonders if they ran over a hedgehog. No, they swerved to avoid it, which caused Rocky to break wind and that gave her the giggles and they lost valuable time. 
Jean thinks that she and Lionel should get a tandem. Lionel doesn't react and Jean asks if he's still with them. He is, but he won't be much longer if people continue to buy them drinks, he tells her. The landlord comes with another tray of drinks. They can barely find room on the table to put the glasses. The landlord steps up to the microphone and says that he knows that this is not the official singing night, but he knows that everyone would be pleased if the guest of honor favored them all with a song. Everyone claps, including Lionel. Jean pokes him and tells him that the man means Lionel. Lionel tells her that he doesn't sing, but she points out that he sings in the bath. He's horrified. Everyone continues to clap. Rocky tells him that he had a very good voice as a boy. He's not a boy now. He tries to tell them that he doesn't sing, but everyone is awwwwing and trying to encourage him. 
Lol stands up and says that if a man who has the Victoria Cross doesn't want to sing, then he doesn't have to. The rest of the imposing Ferris brother all stand up. Someone in the crowd hollers "What about Madge?" The crowd shifts its attention to her. At first she says she's got a tickle in her throat, but she responds to the encouragement of the crowd and walks to the microphone. "Just one song, then," she says. She sings "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." Everyone looks delighted.
Jean leave the main room and walk to another room where Lionel is standing. 
They can still hear Madge singing. She's been onstage for about half an hour so far. The grocer, passes them and Lionel thanks him for the cider. Lionel tells him that he hasn't tried it yet and is warned to go careful when he does. The grocer looks towards the door. "Madge?" he asks. "Full blast," Lionel tells him. The man is about to leave when he remembers that he wants to ask Lionel something. He says he knows there has been a lot of gossip in the village about the time they had the set-to with the posh folk, but he wonders if Lionel really threw six of them over the hedge. Lionel gives him his word that he did not. He looks disappointed. Jean tells him it was only two. The man is pleased -- that's still not bad. He leaves. Lionel asks why she said that. She tells him that as the holder of the Victoria Cross he has a reputation to uphold. He says by this time he's surprised that he was only awarded one. She reminds him that he didn't deny it. "Would you contradict the Ferris boys?" he asks.
They walk out of the pub and sit on a bench in front. He's been thinking about the conference center. She wonders if he's gone off the idea. He tells her he has because it's really rather nice in Hampshire. 
The drinking is a bit fierce, but these are good people. If they had a conference center in town they would attract a bunch of turbo-charged high flyers that wouldn't fit into a place like this. They would get bored and want change, but he doesn't feel that Hampshire needs change. He remembers what Lol said earlier in the afternoon -- Look around, there's not much wrong with it. Jean says she knew that Lionel would remember it. He wonders how she knew. Because by the time Madge got around to the fourth song she was remembering it too. He wonders if she minds their coming out of the pub. She tells him she likes the idea -- it's been ages since a boy asked her to step outside. In fact, he was the last boy to ask her to step outside at the staff dance at the hospital. She thinks there were more couples outside for a breath of fresh air than there were on the dance floor. He asks if they should step outside for a breath of fresh air. "We have," she says. They kiss one another.